owch

well, I just went to a farewell party for some good friends of ours..I was talking to a mutal friend who marvelled at how 5 years ago there were no kids amongst any of us..and now theres 11 kids under 4 in the group..owch

How to have a good attitude in one easy lesson.

People often say to me I have such a good attitude about our infertility. Sure I have bad days where im miserable over it..but over the past almost 6 years of trying to have a baby..theres probably only been maybe 5 to 10 days of misery. And even then..only a couple of days of tears and sobbing. I remember them well..one was when we had our first miscarriage confirmed..the other was a few days after our second miscarriage..i'd say they were pretty understandable.

Most of the time..i have optimism..and hope..and joy..yes joy..it is a bit crazy..i don't pretend to really understand it..but i feel joy most days.

So how can I have such joy and happiness when i am being denied the one thing i truely want in life?

The answer is really simple..my attitude is the one thing I do have control over on this journey..I can't control much else..I can't make my ovaries produce eggs..i can't make the eggs that are there into great eggs..I can't make them fertilize with DH's sperm..I can't make any resulting embryos stick to my lining,  but I CAN have a good attitude. Its all about choice. I choose not to wallow in misery..I choose not to make fertile people feel guilty that they are fertile and I am not. I choose to be happy no matter what. That is something we all have a choice over. I don't like feeling miserable, I don't like feeling sad or jealous..so why waste my time feeling that way..those feelings don't change anything..feeling sad, miserable, jealous..none of them make any difference to the outcome..if my embryos are going to make us a baby, they will..whether i feel happy or sad. So I choose to be happy..I choose joy.

Sure, I do get pangs of envy when i hear about someone else gettng pregnant, Sure, I feel sad sometimes over our lost babies..but i refuse to stay that way..I refuse to bring everyone down around me..have 5 minutes of sad, then bring your mind back to joy..tell yourself its ok..you will get through it. You can push your mind to do amazing things..being happy is second nature to most of us. I tell myself there's always someone worse off..to be happy with what I do have.

 My Northern friends are heading towards their thanksgiving days..I try to be thankful every day..I have a wonderful husband, a great family, I'm healthy, all my friends and family are healthy. I have a great job, I have enough food (yeah..too much sometimes..) I live in a great country, I believe in a great God. My life is close to perfect..I don't think many people feel that way..but most should..most of us have a great life, but we get fixated on one aspect and feel we need more..for some thats money, for others its better paying jobs..some have terrible relationships with their family or spouses..some of us can't have babies. Sometimes I think we need to sit back and be satisfied with what we do have.

This has been a lot longer than i thought it would be..but hey..if i can help any of you with your own feelings, then that makes me happy. Remember to stop yourself when you hear your mind being negative..stop, think of what you do have..choose to be happy..its not only better for you, but its better for everyone around you.!

One check on my goal list! and other stories..

Yes..I have done it..i have learnt how to load new books onto my e reader! woo hoooo...i still haven't figured out how to send them from my computer..but i have a computer friend who will show me on Sunday..i can get online in the e reader though and load them from a website..so yay me!

Yesterday I bought some fabric to make a new handbag..ive never made one before, but have been thinking about it for ages..I am soo tired of bags i pay a lot of money for breaking at the handles or zippers..i just took one back last week that id only had 3 months..the zipper was coming off. grrr. Im also someone who likes to have things noone else has..I really hate it when i see other people wearing/carrying things i have. It takes the sparkle off it or something.

So this morning I was planning out a whole range of One of a Kind bags..thought up a name for my bag company. Im thinking I will have a website to sell them..i have no idea how to make one..but im sure i have enough friends who know how ..Oo im so excited about my new venture...all before ive even made my first one..lol. Stay tuned..i just have to remember to go pick up my sewing machine from mum's..ok..its her machine..but i steal it a lot..hee hee. (just googled the name..and naturally its taken..lol..back to the drawing board with that one)

Also yesterday, I jumped on the scales at the gym to see how i'm travelling..well..i joined the gym in July before my FET..in the months of August and Sept I was pregnant and didn't workout much..got back into it a couple of weeks ago and my new weight 3 months later?? exactly the same as my joining weight..lol..I had just drank a 600ml bottle of water during my workout..so i may have lost a little bit..i guess I could say I am back to my pre pregnancy weight. Lucky the weather is getting nicer, so I will be able to want to eat salads and lighter food.

Banana's have FINALLY arrived back in stores at a slightly more affordable price..back in February most of the banana crops in Australia were destroyed by floods..so what was left went stupid in price..before the floods they were around $2- $3 a kilo..but after the floods they went up to $19.95 a kilo..it worked out at about $5 per banana..naturally noone bought them and therefore they were not available for most of the year..they are back and priced at $7.95 a kilo..its still expensive..but i love them and have bought some..smoothies are not the same without a banana in em I say!

Ok, Im off to the gym..during my treadmill warm up I will try to think of a new name for my bag collections!

OMG!! I am 40!

I am happy to hear that 40 is no longer over the hill..we are all supposed to live til at least 100 these days (unless hit by a bus or suchlike) so we have to wait til 50 now to be over it and on the downward slide..yay..I also heard that 40 is the new 20..so thats great news (even though i think it was me that said it..lol)
so looking back at my 30's..I did a lot of waiting..I waited for DH to propose (he did), waited to get married (we did) waited to get pregnant (I did twice!) but then we lost them..so im thinking our baby cannot be too far away. God has sent me many messages lately of hope and patience..also messages to get on with living and stop waiting around. So I am doing so. This weekend I have lived it up..saturday we went to a wedding..usually as I would be waiting for a bfp..i would not drink much alchomahol, but this time..i drank champagne all night and enjoyed dancing slightly like a maniac (normally wouldn't want to get overheated or too jiggly incase there was a bean in there)
 Sunday we went to the races..i didn't drink champagne there as I had to drive us home and there is ALWAYS a booze bus on the way out (and yes, someone a couple of cars in front of us got caught..what an idiot!) but we had a great day..backed a few winners (and a few losers), gasped along with everyone else as a horse escaped and ran the race by itself, even speeding up at the end before almost jumping the fence..admired beautiful outfits..shuddered at some others..chatted to friends we met..lined up to use the loo..checked out the horses in the parade before the races..it was a great day out!

So now Im 40 what are my goals..well I will lose some of the extra weight I accumulated during my 30's. Id like to get down to 67 kgs for a start (currently 77kgs)
I will finish the writing course I started in 1991..they should never tell people they have as long as they like to do the course!
I will learn how to use my new e reader
i will tidy up and sort out my craft room
i will be creative

i think thats it for today..40 and fabulous..thats my main goal!

i remember when 40 was old

the closer i get to 40, the younger it seems. when i was a kid 40 was seen as people who lived with dinosaurs for pets..now that im 6 days off 40..it doesn't seem so bad..Im sure my friends all think im in denial as I always say im 26..but I know im not 26 anymore..my knees remind me of that whenever I stand up after sitting for longer than half an hour.

I used to worry about making sure id had my children before 40..40 was some magical cut off point where the instant I was 40 I was going to be old..even last week I feared it..but today?? nah..its all good. God has been showing me in so many ways thats its ok..its going to be alright. Everywhere I turned in internet world the last couple of days was the message Do not fear..Ive got your back. Don't worry, I have a plan. Stop stressing, it will turn out alright. Do not be afraid, you are not alone.

 I don't remember bible chapter verses, I don't remember who's blogs or facebook pages helped me..but they have..the message was received..Im letting it go..Ive said that at other times..but i still had the fear..but today..the fear is gone..if my worst fears happens and i lose everyone and everything...then what? I will get through it..somehow i will land on the other side of that fear..I don't go to church..I don't read my bible daily...but my faith is strong..and its getting stronger. God is there for me..showing me what I need to hear. Maybe one day I will start to go to church.

ramblings and mutters

Wow, my emotions have been all over the place since the miscarriage..yesterday i felt amazingly great..full of energy..today..i feel terrible..my entire back hurts and i have an awful headache..can't get in to see my chiropractor until monday! If i still hurt tommorow i might just see any of the chiropractors or even a massuse..ugh..

i have just bawled my eyes out after reading a blog where the blogger was complaining about having to go to a wedding on a  Friday and how inconciderate the wedding people were...my wedding was a Friday..not by choice..its all we could get..but i suddenly felt noone wanted to go to mine..which i know it totally irrational..esp as most of the blog was actually complaining about how expensive the registry items were..but i fixated on the friday bit..

One of my best friends is moving to another state..it will be a 2 day drive to go visit them...wahhh. They leave in November.

Last night I found out another friend is expecting..i feel bad as I congratulated her with a hug..but ignored the father completely..whoops....sadly their baby has been found to have heart conditions and will need surgery soon after birth. Her oldest boy had the same conditions and 4 days after he was born they found he had downs..so theres a possibility this one will have it too. Its a bit sad and scarey..I pray their baby will be ok.

I turn 40 in 12 days...where are my babies??? It seems so unfair that i get to 40 and no baby in sight. I wasted my 30's planning and waiting..I need to move on..but I don't know what to move on to..it seems pointless to train in a new career..there's no point in trying to be wealthy when theres noone to leave our stuff to..

Things that bug me

Now that Im not pregnant anymore, these are the things that bug me

1. the fact that i have to start TTC again
2. my blood..im tired of seeing it. AF usually lasts 3 days of actual blood, so far ive been bleeding 6 days.
3. people who keep asking if im ok when i have said i am
4. niece who is 34 weeks pregnant moaning about her life and pregnancy
5. people who tell me they know it will happen again. how do they know..they don't know..shut up.
6. people telling me its mother nautures way. shut up. im not stupid. i saw my baby. it was not normal.
7. that sad look people give you.
8. again..the fact that i have to start again

I think thats definately the worst part. I know we have a frozen embryo..but if it doesn't work, then i don't know if i want to go through another round of IVF. It wasn't so much the needles, or the egg collecion..its just the time..that incessantly slow ticking of time waiting waiting. Waiting to start the cycle, the slow ticking of time as you wait for the right time to inject, waiting to see how many follicles there are, waiting to trigger, waiting for egg collection, waiting to see how many fertilise, waiting to see if they survive. then that stupid 2 week wait. Ive never been a patient person, so the waiting is the worst part for me. I wish i could be one of those miracle people who magically get pregnant naturally even with blocked fallopian tubes. sigh.